Post relapse positives

I cannot say that I am glad I relapsed, of course not, it was a really hard couple of months, a lot of  tough emotions and bad times. That being said in the last few months I have realised that there have been positives changes in my life because of my relapse and it has changed things like my mindset and outlook on life for the better.

How I get my gym on!

I know I have posted about the gym before but that was more about exercise classes in general and I hadn't really had the best experiences in an actual gym setting before.

I wanted to post about the gym again as I have recently had a very positive experience in a great gym on the Wirral, called Zone Fitness and am even thinking about joining.

Ok so if have read my 100 days of happy posts I mentioned I have been going to this gym because my friend got me 2 weeks free membership there for Christmas. At the time I did not realise what a great present this actually was.

So I have sadly come to the end of my 2 weeks trail and I am so glad I went along and may even join the gym properly when I sort my money out.

Back on track

I have been off the fitness waggon for some time now due to a number of different factors in my life. When I finished university I started my first and most stressful job. This did not make me feel like dieting or keeping fit at all. I am now in a great job as a one to one teaching assistant at a local school and much happier for it.

The next factor was losing my Rosemary Conley health and fitness club. When it finally packed in I stayed with my local group for awhile until that became a bit much. So for a while now I've been trying to go it on my own but not really getting very far. I made a book with a before photo and weight to get me started. Then I added pictures of my goal to go on a amazing holiday abroad and look fab in my sexy swim wear. I weighed myself each week at boats and tracked what I ate on a phone app called "My fitness pal." I lost motivation after awhile and found sweets and fast food were just too good. On my own I had no one to swap ideas with, no one to share their motivational stories with me and it was just too hard doing it on my own.

Next step I knew I needed to join a group I wouldn't be able to get the exercise like with Rosemary Conley but I would get the support. I started looking into the different ones debating which I should join when my Aunty said she wanted to join a new group too. She had heard the with Weight Watchers people lose the weight and keep it off more than with other weight loss groups.

Make that change... NOW

Too long I have been putting this off, feeling like I am past the point of no return. Waiting til Monday to start the diet again. NO MORE!!!

I am making a change and I am making it now!

I work in a school so last week was half term and its been quite a productive half term too. Been on some killer dog walks (didn't kill the dog just me), I have sorted out an exercise room that I am quite proud of and hope to get a lot of use out of. I've made my normal bike a exercise bike with a stand so I have no weather excuses for not using it. Got a stepper off my mum a while ago which I hope to use more like at all would be a good start. We are also hopping to get a treadmill which is not to be used instead of walking the dog of course. But until then there is plenty of space to dance around like a mad woman and lose weight that way.

No huMAN is an Island!

This is another post were I want to highlight that sometimes mental fitness comes before physical fitness. Cure the mind before the body.



Too long I have been keeping stuff in, not sharing my biggest problems with people. Thinking I can handle it as I get further into my overdraft, worry about failing at my job and stressing about most day to day things on my own. I need to let people in!



I want to get this message across that no one is an Island!



People call me shy, quiet and nice. But they don't realise that I am quietly troubled. I don't share my opinions or tell people what I am struggling with, when I could. I feel like this makes it easier and keep to myself and try to deal with all my issues on my own. I don't like to admit to my mistakes or admit when I need help which makes things very difficult and I spend ages catching u on jobs. Does anyone else do this?



So last week it all became too much and I realised I need to make a change! I realised this too late and now I feel a bit overwhelmed but it's not to late to say from now on I am going to share my problems and let people in!!!

I didn't achieve anything by keeping it all in!

I expect people to know that I am upset but people think she hasn't said anything is wrong so she must be fine.

Do I want people to be mind readers?

Some people can read the tone in your voice but not many especially not if they have their own problems going on. You need to speak up and tell them your not ok and explain what's wrong!

I want to vow to never say one thing and mean another! Who is with me?

Getting well and staying well

My bipolar can be controlled by tablets but it is something I have to live with, try to control and manage everyday like many other people it's a daily battle. I just try to concentrate on one day at a time, live in the moment and not worry to much about the future or regret the past. This can be easier said than done at times.

When I got home from my last hospital stay professionals and my family were happy that I had been well for a good amount of time and was on the road to recovery. I however had my doubts, I was worried about going low and slipped back into the bad habits of my low mood. It was only when I was completely honest and opened up about my worries that I could get others help and advice on how to stay well.

Sometimes I still feel low and unmotivated first thing in the morning: this was the hardest part of the day for me when I was low as I didn't want to face the day ahead.

https://www.mqmentalhealth.org/news-blog/post/how-does-exercise-impact-mental-health

Songs of october

 Song a day for a month

 31 songs for each day of songs of October. Themes mental health awareness, happiness and joy. Starts on Thursday.

🎼Tune for the day 🎵 1🎵

Much like "Thought for the day" I wanted to select a inspirational, helpful or feel good song for each day. I have talked before about how a tune can change a bad mood into a good mood and can make you feel better just by listening to it. Music therapy in away.

NUMBER 1 every girls moto "I want it I got it" go for your goal girls !!!!

Tell me about it!!!!

Talk, talk and talk some more. Tell someone all about any troubles you have. I know it's cheesy but talking about it really does help, sooooo  much.

I know I post a lot when I am manic but right now I am in the middle. I have just been very depressed and low for 3 weeks and it was horrible. Now I am in the middle not manic but not low anymore. I can talk about things now. I have lots of energy as well though which makes it hard to sit still or sleep. I maybe going manic. Uh oh. High as a kite. Can't cope.

Britain Get Talking is a fabulous T.V. campaign which encourages us to mute the T.V. for a minute to talk to our nearest and dearest. Good honest chat is the medicine. 

My Song for this week is from one very talented you-tuber called Shannon and the songs called two Faced and its how I feel right now in my limbo mood state. Here is the video sorry about the swearing. 

No filter

The song I posted in my last video, Try by Colbie Cailat, inspired me to write this post. I don't want to go on a lot about beauty or make-up in this blog but I do think that this particular beauty and perfection issue does effect mental healthy greatly.

The issue is Filters.

the way they treat us

good... yeah

good... yeah

good... yeah

be our guest

yeah..............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

spreading awareness through my diary

New book idea. Wanted some advice mabye. So if this book is something you would be interested in let me know!

Introduction sentence and disclosure notice for the book. Enjoy and take what you will from it.

Title- My Bipolar Diary

Intro

This is my bipolar diary try not to judge but also enjoy.

Disclosure 

This diary may not mak a lot of sense to many people but that's kind of, at least part of, the point. Also I have never been one to journal everyday. I journal when I feel like it or when I feel I need to get something out. So these entries are often me at my most emotional, reflective and crazy i mean creative moments. 

So to read on I can only give you this advice:

1.read each entry as a seperate, stand alone episode of my life. Manic or low or just in a different mood to 2 seconds ago I will have a completely different perspective and opinion on basically everything. So I basically contradict self all the way through my diary. This also means you don't have to read it in order because each entry although continuing in order that I live do not have much to do with each other.

2.Don't assume what I say and feel in each entry is how I feel or what I want to say about the same topic once my mood changes or once I am no longer in a Bipolar episode.

3.Laugh it's ok I laughed a lot when re-reading this and deciding I had to share it. I am very dramatic, OTT and it can be kind of funny sometimes.

4. Only I can call myself crazy!

5.Enjoy and take what you will from what you read. 

Oh dam was that way too much advice?

Ok so that is all I have for you today but if you like this or if I feel like it I will try to post some examples of my bipolar diary entries.

Thanks for reading.

Ps this was last minute post so no song to finish.

Manic or me?

Here I am on my couch, at 4.23am exactly, on the 27th February 2020 and I am (maybe) manic. Maybe I have been Bipolar rapid cycling for awhile now... but if I have man have I been holding back.  I have been pretending to be "normal" to suit everyone else. I pretend to want to take my medication because they makes me "well." I act how I think everyone else wants me to act (classic CBT unhelpful thought pattern: mind-reading) and pretend to be ok, when I am not. Well No More!

As I sit here I feel full of energy, writing feels easy and sleep seems unimportant. Although I do know I will start to crash soon from lack of sleep but my bed feels like the last place I want to be right now. Ideas are flowing. I know how to go out tomorrow and make people want to know more about me. I also know what to say to make people concerned I am manic. I feel like I have bucket loads of personality and ideas and creativity practically following through my veins.

I feel so alive. So much more me. Maybe my tablets have been limiting me this whole time. I feel like now (that I am manic or getting there) I know more, I understand more and I want to do so
much more.(Anyone thinking of a certain Black Mirror episode right now?)

Anyway, maybe now I am letting my whole brain work at it's fullest, with no limitations put on it, I am free to be just pure 100% ME!! Or pure mania. Either way it feels good. I put so many limits on myself and the way I act and what I say and who I can say it to. It has gone on far too long and it just makes me feel tired and like I am not really living at all. In my last post I said how a lot of people think I am wasting my life ATM but they probably prefer that to full blown mania. But at the end of the day they can't decide if I am living or just existing, only I can. It's like I have full clarity right now. I know only I can make a change in my life and my change is that I am just going to be me. No more pretending to be anything else but myself, whoever I am in that moment!

Ok so that sounds a bit dramatic. Like there is only one of me, right? What do I mean by whoever I am in that moment? Well unfortunately if this is manic Cerys talking she won't be here for long. As I mentioned before I have bipolar rapid cycling so manic me will last about 2 weeks then depressive me will take over for about two week then this may go on until I become stable on medication again (or find another way.) It's way tiring and I wouldn't wish it on anyone! This is making me wonder though if I am admitting to being manic, then I am probably not manic. When I am in a full blown manic episode I would never agree that I am manic and I wouldn't be as aware and knowledgeable about my condition. I wouldn't be writing this post in my living room I would be out in the street, in the pitch black probably recording myself for YouTube (that always goes so well... not!) Hmmm so if I am not manic will I be soon? Will I lose all control of my decisions and start fighting with my family and making myself very vulnerable again? Maybe if I take my tablets and go to bed right now I will be ok. But what if I go to bed and sleep through the whole day. I have so much I want to do when the sun comes up but lately I have been sleeping all night and day because of how depressed I have been feeling. I hate being in two minds about everything.

Before I go on a complete tangent and have a major existential crisis (that can all wait until another post) lets end here with a song. Got to love a bit of Demi Lovato "Sorry Not Sorry." Some sound advice I need to follow in this song. New life rule stop apologising for being who you really are!!

Sorry Not Sorry for the swearing in the video.

Wow two post written, edited and posted in the same 24 hours so the roller-coaster begins. I am in for an interesting ride!

I'm back... but the fight is over

Ok so I haven't blogged in nearly 2 years but I just realised today that I have something I need to say. Like the title says I am getting back into blogging but I am not fighting for my mental fitness anymore. My fight is over. No I am not cured. But I am making a decision to stop fighting with myself and my family for fitness and just live my life instead.

All this time I have been fighting my Bipolar; my mania and my depression and along with it had many, many fights with my family about how I can be well and how I should live. This has all got to stop. We all put so much pressure on ourselves about our work, social and home life. Hell we put pressure on ourselves about how to be happy and exactly how happy we should be. Now more than ever, thanks to social media, we compare ourselves to others and try to be the best at life and being happy. What is the point?

My family and maybe some of my friends think I am wasting my life. ATM I am off work due to stress and struggling to comply with my bipolar medication. I didn't mean to be off sick again (3rd time woops) but here I am. Now I get constant lectures about what I should be doing with my free time and how important my tablets are for my recovery (of course I know this but it's complicated. Maybe a subject for a separate post.) This pressure and judgement has only made me hibernate in my flat more and hate my life and everyone who judges me.

I don't feel like I am wasting my life though because whenever inspiration (which could be mania/ hypo-mania) strikes I go with it and write all my (possibly crazy) ideas, like this one, down in one of my many, many note books, on my phone or my laptop. I want to end the stigma about mental health as it is having a large and very negative effect on my life at them moment and I am sure on the lives of many others.

This particular inspiration came from one of my favorite shows "The 100." TBH it is the last place I expected to get inspiration for a Fighting 4 Fitness blog post but I swear this quote is going to be like my new motto. So I watched it years ago when it first came out and only just started watching it again yesterday. I'm not going to go into to great details about the show, although you should defiantly what it if you like sci-fi and suspense shows, but at the end of the first episode one of the characters, who is part of The 100, is about to Tarzan swing across a lake that has man eating snakes living in it (who wouldn't be scared? Right?) To help him build up the courage to do it one of the other members of The 100 Finn says to him "Hey, it's ok to be afraid, Jasper. The trick is not fighting it." Not fighting it? Hmmm.

Cute cast as well, right?













But people always say fight your fears. We go further than that even: telling people to fight their feeling. Telling everyone to put on a brave face or stop mopping about and do something with your life.

I have always thought of my mental illness as something I have to fight but maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe I should just allow myself to feel how I am feeling and be who I am in a particular moment. I shouldn't be changing myself for others so I don't seem crazy or depressed. I should just be me and live my life for the moment. It is the pressure I put on myself and the fight to be perfect or impress people that stops me from just being myself and enjoying my life how I choice to live it.

I want to explore this more in other posts and may even share a song I have started to write about this topic of ending the fight and just living our lives. But I think this post is long enough. I do however want to end by sharing a song that is related to this idea (if I still remember how to add one in, I'm not great at the tech stuff.) I used to end my blog in this way because I believe music speaks louder than words. I think this is why when I am manic I sing almost none stop all of my favorite and very inspirational songs. The song I want to share is called "Try" by Colbie Caillat it has a great message "you don't have to try so hard."

Yay! I did it! Thanks for reading.