As I sit here I feel full of energy, writing feels easy and sleep seems unimportant. Although I do know I will start to crash soon from lack of sleep but my bed feels like the last place I want to be right now. Ideas are flowing. I know how to go out tomorrow and make people want to know more about me. I also know what to say to make people concerned I am manic. I feel like I have bucket loads of personality and ideas and creativity practically following through my veins.
I feel so alive. So much more me. Maybe my tablets have been limiting me this whole time. I feel like now (that I am manic or getting there) I know more, I understand more and I want to do so
much more.(Anyone thinking of a certain Black Mirror episode right now?)
Anyway, maybe now I am letting my whole brain work at it's fullest, with no limitations put on it, I am free to be just pure 100% ME!! Or pure mania. Either way it feels good. I put so many limits on myself and the way I act and what I say and who I can say it to. It has gone on far too long and it just makes me feel tired and like I am not really living at all. In my last post I said how a lot of people think I am wasting my life ATM but they probably prefer that to full blown mania. But at the end of the day they can't decide if I am living or just existing, only I can. It's like I have full clarity right now. I know only I can make a change in my life and my change is that I am just going to be me. No more pretending to be anything else but myself, whoever I am in that moment!
Ok so that sounds a bit dramatic. Like there is only one of me, right? What do I mean by whoever I am in that moment? Well unfortunately if this is manic Cerys talking she won't be here for long. As I mentioned before I have bipolar rapid cycling so manic me will last about 2 weeks then depressive me will take over for about two week then this may go on until I become stable on medication again (or find another way.) It's way tiring and I wouldn't wish it on anyone! This is making me wonder though if I am admitting to being manic, then I am probably not manic. When I am in a full blown manic episode I would never agree that I am manic and I wouldn't be as aware and knowledgeable about my condition. I wouldn't be writing this post in my living room I would be out in the street, in the pitch black probably recording myself for YouTube (that always goes so well... not!) Hmmm so if I am not manic will I be soon? Will I lose all control of my decisions and start fighting with my family and making myself very vulnerable again? Maybe if I take my tablets and go to bed right now I will be ok. But what if I go to bed and sleep through the whole day. I have so much I want to do when the sun comes up but lately I have been sleeping all night and day because of how depressed I have been feeling. I hate being in two minds about everything.
Before I go on a complete tangent and have a major existential crisis (that can all wait until another post) lets end here with a song. Got to love a bit of Demi Lovato "Sorry Not Sorry." Some sound advice I need to follow in this song. New life rule stop apologising for being who you really are!!
Sorry Not Sorry for the swearing in the video.
Wow two post written, edited and posted in the same 24 hours so the roller-coaster begins. I am in for an interesting ride!
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